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rosieengel · 5 years ago

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the beauty and the terror

I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for a long time now, but felt paralyzed with terror because I couldn’t find a great opening post topic. This week, the topic found me. I’ve had the draft saved with my finger hovering over the “post now” button for a few days. So, here it goes.

My first post is about my most recent brush with beauty and terror, best encapsulated, I think, in the mystical words of the poet Ranier Maria Rilke:

Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final

In one of my favorite books of all time, Awareness, Anthony de Mello ponders and unpacks those non-final, fleeting moments in life - he points to the fact that our cells live and die so often that we have to wonder, who am “I” after all? Was I the same person I was in the past? No. Not physically, at least, but isn’t our “consciousness” also comprised of a neural network made up of cells? So we are also not our feelings or our emotions. As a matter of fact, we have to liberate ourselves from our experiences altogether if we are to be fully present in the here and now, or we become hijacked by the filters that create our reality. This becomes even more interesting when we consider how many of our memories may be false or fabricated. How much of my past did I dream? How much did I experience in consciousness? “Don’t carry over experiences from the past... don’t carry over good experiences from the past either. Learn what it means to experience something fully, then drop it and move on to the next moment, uninfluenced by the previous one.... You’d know what eternal life is, because eternal life is now, in the timeless now.” In this book, de Mello suggests, no demands, that the reader, “Wake up”. Wake up to how we filter reality. Wake up to our excuses. Wake up and be aware.

I’ve always taken this book very seriously, but it became more important to me when I experienced my first pregnancy loss. The week before Christmas 2017, we experienced major emotional and physical whiplash; we were excited about the possibilities of the new life I was growing. We had told our family and friends, and like a lot of mothers-to-be, I was already dreaming about all of the amazing and absolutely terrifying ways our lives would change. I had spent my 20s and most of my 30s focused on my teaching and playing career, my health, and music. It was time to take care of someone else and I was looking forward to a new chapter (that I thought about my life then in terms of chapters is preposterous and that is worth another blog post). But the Universal Creator had different plans for us, as He typically does. At 12 weeks into my pregnancy and three days before Christmas, I had a miscarriage on the other side of the country and felt a tremendous sense of loss and confusion. In the ER, I could only hold tightly to E’s hand and eeck out, “Our little kumquat...” I was really shocked. I felt as if no one understood - I was grateful for the kindness of everyone around me, but at the same time, I felt as if they were too afraid to give me any comfort or love. Now I know that that is no one else’s responsibility but my own.

Much to my surprise (and other women who have lost babies or children probably grok this), many ordinary and mundane things in life became very difficult. Particularly because it was Christmas. I found I couldn’t really think about the future at all. Holiday traditions and cheer seemed trite and fabricated. I fought back breakdowns whenever I was around children of any age. Drops would well up in my eyes whenever anyone started talking about their dreams of getting pregnant or starting families. I sat amidst the glee and celebration screaming inside, “HEY!!! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M STILL HERE AND DONT YOU KNOW WHAT IM FEELING!?!??!?!” I would go to the bathroom bleeding, cramping, and sad as I waited for the miscarriage to finish playing out to its gruesome end. I was ashamed to burden others with my uncomfortable tears. I will never forget how I reached into the toilet to touch, pick up, and say goodbye to what I believe was the last of the tissue that remained.

In the days afterward, I came across what would become a well-loved piece by Brian Andreas:

This is how I came to see that first baby - as an angel who was with me so briefly, but made such a terrific impact on my life. An angel, who most certainly prodded me to “wake up” in a de Mello sense. Immediately upon my return home, I said my goodbye to her and started healing (and it’s still happening). I felt an enormous calling to help and to heal others too; in the process of healing with Craniosacral Therapy (CST), I decided to study it myself and enrolled in massage therapy school. CST helped me to fully experience that pain and grief, down to the mitochondria of my cells, through my fascia, through my very center. When my inner spirit sensed the healing presence of Erin, my therapist, emotions bubbled up through my solar plexus, through my left hip, my ribs, my sternum. They still do, even today. As an additional part of my healing, I dragged myself to talk therapy for a whole year. My counselor recommended EMDR, using vibration and aural cues because I’m a musician. Through this therapy I finally fully experienced some trauma that I had hidden, buried in my tissues. I came to realize and acknowledge that I had not held proper space for myself and my loss. I had been remiss in thinking that life should go according to my plans, that the world owes me certain things, that I have even a tiny bit of control over my path. The worst is that I held so much shame for all of the things I thought I had failed at in my life. I couldn’t live my pop rocks life because I was looking externally for validation that I was worthy in this world - I was looking everywhere but inside my own spirit. I believe this is what also attracted me to academia, a field where accolades, accomplishments, and the correct lines on your vitae become a measure of your life’s work. That was a tough pill to swallow, but I’ve come to terms with that realization. I’m still healing today in other ways and I probably always will be.

This week, I was gifted a second angel. Even though she is gone now, I will always think of her as Eliza Jane. We conceived her without really intending to around New Years in New Orleans. I love walking down Magazine Street toward the Quarter. When we would walk by the hotel, I would admire its historic, embossed vertical sign. I offhandedly told E that I would love to name a hypothetical daughter Eliza Jane. Two weeks later, I would learn that she was already there.

Early miscarriage is very common. Statistically speaking, 1 in 4 confirmed pregnancies end (that they know of). So - why don’t we talk about it? Why do I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am part of this statistic? The answer explains why this post stayed in draft form for so long.

I drove myself to the ER this week, in pain and bleeding. My midwife suggested that I go if I was concerned and if I wanted a quick answer. The answer was not good, but.... I knew the answer already. I had felt the absence in my body, the little tug at my heart when her life left me. I won’t say that it was easier this time, but I knew what to expect. I knew what the pain would feel like; I would not be taken off-guard by the waves of grief and sadness, the emptiness, and in some ways, the feelings of loneliness and alienation. I was able to hold space for myself this time, to sit in silence, to be in my own home, my own bathroom. I didn’t have to speak to anyone. E was with me and we were together. These two losses have brought us closer together. As I laid in the ultrasound room, unable to see the images that the silent technician kept from my view, I renewed the gratitude in my heart that the Universe brought E and me together. It may sound like a sappy cliche, but this is the only way I can put my love for him into words right now: the threads of grief in our souls are so "bare” when they are left alone, but when weaved together, make us inseparable and stronger than ever before.

When I got home from the hospital, I planted myself in bed to mentally prepare for the night ahead. Our scrappy, stray cat, Tikky, crawled into bed with me. She rarely does that. As I writhed in bed and moaned in pain, she planted herself next to me. Sprawled out against my belly, she stayed. Although I thrashed about, she remained, wide awake and concerned. Even in that moment, I was so present and grateful for her healing energy. She reminded me that the sick and pained don’t have to crawl into the corner, to lick their wounds alone. The strongest survive with the help and love of others. She sent me light in her own way, without saying anything at all. This is one of the many things I have learned from cats.

I’m sharing this story with the hope that it reaches others who have been through a similar experience. To you - you are not alone. Would this be different if I had a stillborn or if I lost an infant? No. Not according to my belief system. After the worst was over, I woke up before dawn to hear a robin trilling outside my window. In my world, nothing is a coincidence.

If you have not had this experience, open your eyes to those around you who are suffering in silence. Wake up. Just as someone communicates joy and celebration with new life and new possibilities, there is also someone who is crying and mourning the loss of a life. There are also those who did not want to create life and decide to end it (or they don’t). This isn’t just confined to miscarriage - there are people struggling around you. You must assume they are doing their best and it is not their responsibility to make you feel happy with your life. If you find yourself riled up or offended because of someone else’s struggle, or what you feel to be their failures or incompetencies, just ask yourself - am I taking this personally? I ask myself that question often - that is part of the process of waking up. It’s the process of leading a more compassionate life. Death surrounds us and it is part of a cycle that is repeating. There’s something comforting to me about the cycles of life. My cycle, that of the earth and moon, and the seasons. Your cells die, they shed, they turn over. It does not happen to us, it is us.

Of course, we should be happy. We should experience bliss and joy and scream it from the mountaintops, all others be damned! But can’t we also show our heartbreak, sadness, grief, and despair? Instead of turning and running from the pain, what if we leaned into the uncomfortable and said something. ANYTHING. Say you’re sorry. Ask if they are okay. Say that you don’t know what to say, but you are here to talk. Be there in silence. Be a shoulder or a hug. Hold space for them in your heart. Reach out. That’s something. Let yourself see the terror and the beauty, because if you don’t, your life will consist only of coincidences and you may miss the angels who are helping you along the way to wake up so that you do not miss your life.

Tikky didn’t leave me to lick my wounds alone. She nestled in and hunkered down right next to the pain. She leaned into it and sat there patiently through my tears and gibberish. Just as I am here to do for you, my friend.

#grief miscarriage pregnancyloss angels

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bloginstantmooncollector-blog · 6 years ago

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Lakeland Florida Cheap car insurance quotes zip 33811

"Lakeland Florida Cheap car insurance quotes zip 33811

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I received a ticket for no proof of insurance, i did not have the card on me at the time but i do have insurance. When i go to court, will i have to pay the fine or will the ticket be thrown out?""

Asking all under 25 female drivers in uk- whats a cheap car insurer?

Asking all female drivers under 25!! Does anyone know of or have been with any cheap car insurance companies? Ive already checked quite a few but they seem really expensive...Please help!

Insurance on a 1999 saab 9-5?

My dad says if I bought one the insurance rates would be extremely high even if we put him as the primary driver??? I'm 18 and irs either this or a 92 camaro will it be that expensive??

If i get a toad alarm for my car will it make my insurance cheaper?

Retroactive auto insurance premium?

I obtained an auto insurance policy in August 2007. In January 2008 (five months after the policy was purchased) I received my policy renewal. The renewal price was substantially more than the initially policy cost because the insurance company had written my original policy with innacurrate information (assumptions they made that were incorrect, there was no falsification on my part). I cancelled the policy and found a new provider. The insurance company then sent me a bill retroactively charging me for the original policy with the new information and premium changes. Can they retroactively charge me for the policy that I had already paid in full based on our original agreement? Does the insurance company have any legal recourse or right to collect this money? I already filed an official complaint with the NJ Dept. of Banking and Insurance and am waiting to hear back. BTW don't need people's opinion, looking for response from someone who knows the laws in regards to this""

""How can Insurance companies, all offer cheaper deals than each other, CRAZY?""

So let me think, One company says come to us we will save you money, next advert says come to us we will save you money, another will say come to us for cheaper deals, how can you be cheaper than the other company if they are doing cheaper deals than you, is this crazy or am i.""

Health and Auto Insurance question?

I am nineteen years old and I need insurance. I was kicked off my families insurance plan just because I'm not going to school full-time. I'm working and going to school. What do I do? It's really bugging me to be without insurance. I need to work, though. Are there student insurance plans or anything like that?""

Why are car insurance quotes on comparison sites so high?

I'm almost 17 and I'm hoping to learn to drive and buy a car, I was looking on some comparison sites to see what the insurance might be on some possible cars (ford KA, fiat sciento, nothing too fancy) but the quotes were ridiculously high? I know being 17 will mean expensive insurance but this was really expensive, they said the cheapest was around 6000 for third party. This is really high because I know loads of people who drive at 17 and their insurance ranges from 1800-3000. So, why is it so high and will it actually be this price when I come to pay the insurance?""

I aged out of Medicaid 21 yr old male no insurance?

I no longer have health insurance because I'm 21 years old. My mom gets medicaid because of a disability and my sister gets medicaid because she is 19 yrs old. My family is labeled as low-income, and I can't afford private health insurance. What can I do to receive free health insurance. I live with my mother and sister. I'm a full time college student with a little part time job. Am I out of luck?""

Will my car insurance go up?

So I was at the red light and the car behind me randomly hits my car there's a medium size dent right in the middle of my bumper it doesn't look terrible but it's deep and noticeable also some paint was chipped off ... My car insurance ppl know about it.. Will my car insurance go up? Even if it wasn't my fault at all?

Teen car insurance!! ?

im 15 and getting ready to buy my first car. i really want to know about how much my insurance will be. im getting a 2001 toyota celica and i live in north carolina and im a girl. can anyone please help?????

16 year old car insurance?

Im a 16 year old boy and am looking to buy my first car. How much more will insurance cost on average if i buy a 2 door car as opposed to a 4 door? I am thinking of buying a 1997 Toyota Celica or a 96-01 Acura integra either 2 door or 4. I am going to take drivers ed too because i know that lowers your rates. I also have 4 A's and 3 B's in school.

How much will my insurance go up after a fender bender?

Im 16 years old and i have progressive, this morning i hit a car, there was only a couple scratches on the other car as i didn't hit it hard, and no damage to my car. The police werent called we just exchanged info, so how much will my insurance go up for this accident. if you can even call it that.""

How much would insurance be on a 2001 convertible mustang for a 16 year old?

hey everyone I was wondering what price range i would be looking at for a 2001 convertible mustang. not looking for a exact answer just a ballpark range. I have a 3.00+ gpa male 16 year old no ABS on car convertible thanks all.

Lakeland Florida Cheap car insurance quotes zip 33811

What is a good price for a 2007 SV650s?

I am looking to buy an SV650S. So far this decisions has been been placed on price, insurance cost, easability in riding (based on what I have reasearched), and overall looks. Once I get to the dealership it will get my final approval based on the feel when I actually get on it. But assuming that I still love the feel of the bike, how do I begin the haggling process. This is the first bike for me and I don't want to be taken advantage of. Currently near where I live, Los Angeles area, one is being adverticed as a new 2007 for $6199 OTD. Could this really be an out the door price? Can I haggle on an OTD price? Am i only allowed to touch and sit on the bike at the dealership? Could I ask them to throw in gear in the deal such as a jacket or a helmet or something?""

How much would insurance on a mustang cost (ROUGH GUESS)?

Okay, so my mom's car (Chevrolet Cobalt) is finally paid off. I get my license in less than 3 months. We're wanting to get a 2011 Mustang. The concern is though, the insurance cost. Her and I would have to be on the insurance. Her insurance now is like 185 every 2 months, because she got a speeding ticket a while ago so it went up..? But this isn't going to be a really expensive car. The MSRP is around 22k and the only option I would get is automatic, instead of shift. Which is like an extra 1000. But of course it's a 2 door sports car.. So any estimations? Like extremely rough estimations. Like the average insurance, not real high or real low protection. She'd be the primary driver. ONE more question. 2011 Mustang or 2011 camaro? I like the camaro better, but she thinks it's ugly. But it's less than 1k more than the mustang, and I would love it.. I'm male by the way and make all A's in school if that has any effect at all, which i doubt. Thanks very much!""

How is charging insurance based on age and gender NOT discrimination?

Car insurance and health insurance always use your age and gender for a basis on how much your charged along with other factors. How is this not discrimination?

""I bought a good life insurance for my family, Just how much does McCain loves 303 million Americans?""

I bought a good life insurance for my family, Just how much does McCain loves 303 million Americans?""

My auto insurance raised twice as much for not being insured for more then 30-days?

I had auto insurance with state farm and my policy was $180 (just liablilty)per month for 12 months. I ran into some issues with money and could not pay so I cancelled the policy and avoided driving for a little over a month. I recently went to another agency to find a cheaper insurance and they said since i had a registered vehicle that was uninsured for more than 30 days, there is a penalty. Now I pay $340 for 8 months (just liablilty). 3 agency's told me the same thing. My question is will this ever change? How long will I have this penalty ? I have a clean driving record besides this and feel this is unfair and cannot afford it. Is there anything I can do to go back to paying $180p month? When did insurance companies start doing this? I have not found anything similiar through my research. Thanks""

""How much does insurance cost, for a trail blazer??

thats the car i have but the insurance exspired

""I want to learn how to drive, 22 and i dont know how to drive ?

I will be turning 22 in a couple weeks and i still dont know how to drive . Nobody ever taught me or had the time to teach me but i really want to get out and start learning how do i go about doing this ? Should i find a friend with a license to teach me or take a drivers ed class ? What would my best option be to start learning how to drive and get a license ? Because i see other people who never took classes and just learned from someone else.

Parents' health insurance?

If you take a semester off from college, how long do you have until your parents' insurance doesn't cover you anymore?""

Periodontal Insurance in Iowa?

I have major gum resession and I need a transplant, which means I need to visit a peridontist. Problem is, I can't find one in Iowa that takes my insurance. (Hawk-i) I really need the surgery and I've been searching for months and haven't had any luck. Please, someone help me out, please.""

""What is the cheapest car insurance in Toronto, Canada for a female student w/out any prior auto insurance?

I am 22 years old and have never had auto insurance b4. I do have the driver's certificate and currently have a G2. The basic coverage is fine as I will not be getting a new car. I'll be getting a 1998-2001 car not sure of the modell yet.

Do I need insurance to take my drivers test?

I want to get my licence and all I have to do is take the driving part. The car I am going to take my test in is insured in another persons name but since I'm not a registered driver on the car, am I still able to drive it just to take my test? I've tried getting on the policy but they will not insure me until I have a valid license, duh lol. So how exactly does this work?""

Insurance Quote for teenage driver?

Can you give me an estimated insurance rate based on the following - 18years old college student with 2 years foreign driving experience, one week old US drivers license - Never involved in any accidents - Toyota RAV 4 2009 4WD""

Cheap Car Insurance For Young Adult?

I am 19. I just bought a car that needs to be plated. Its a 2002 Daewoo. (model name Lanos). I need to know the cheapest insurance I can put on the car. Ive never had any tickets or violations or trouble with the law. Ive never even been pulled over. I live in Indiana. Any suggestions please let me know. Also, I just moved to Lake Station from Elkhart. I guess you have to go through emissions to get plates but since its an 02 I dont believe I need to do it this year. However, I may plan on going back to Elkhart & thats where my lincence is from. Could I tell the BMV that and they plate it as Elkhart? & I wont even have to go through emissions?""

Premium cost of insurance

If an insurance company has a payout of 17 millions, admin expense at 5 million, and profit of 2 million, with 26,000 insured. How much premium would they charge to each client.""

How much would insurance cost on a dodge charger in nj?

Can someone help me figure out how to get car insurance?? Very confused :(?

This is my first time ever getting a car loan, making payments & getting insurance by myself & so far it's been frustrating & confusing!! If anyone could help steer me in the right direction it'd be much appreciated! --I'm originally from Arkansas. I moved to North Dakota with my man, got a job & started vehicle hunting. One of my friends up here, also from AR, had a truck close to getting on the repo list because he couldn't make payments anymore. This truck is registered in AR. So, I got a loan & bought his truck from him. I got this loan Oct 4th, a month ago. All I'm trying to do is register this truck, pay sales tax & get insurance. I understand I'm not ever getting the title but my bank will & when I explained that the title hadn't been sent to my bank yet, the dmv lady said I couldn't even get temporary tags?? Can I get insurance with the truck not being registered yet?? If it's not officially mine bc the title hasn't been sent to my bank. ???""

""When being sued by an insurance company, can they put a lien on my property?""

i was involved in a accident in 2008 now me and my mom are being sued. My mom is the registered car owner (shes super mad at me) anyways they will post a judgement againt the both of us. We are both W2 workers and she has a house. Can anyone give me the worst case scenario, what can we do??""

Fastest accelerating car in the insurance group 1-3?

Hello, I am going to be turning 17 shortly and would like some advise on which car that would be very responsive and quick. My budget for the car itself is 1450 but there could be a bit of flexibility. As I am sure you all know, insurance for new drivers is very high, so I want something in between groups one and three as I believe that is the area that I can afford. Could I also please ask for serious answers. I am not not wanting to drive irresponsibly, if that is a worry to some contributors. Thanks.""

Does engine size make your car insurance go up?

I have a 1.4L engine at the moment and thinking of getting a car that has a 1.6 engine. There are not a lot of differences between the two cars, apart from the engine size. (they are both very small cars, made in the same year etc) Will this make my insurance go up?""

What 7 seat cars have the lowest insurance group rating?

Looking for a new car for our expanding family and want to find something that's low on insurance. The lowest two I've found so far are the Fiat Doblo (Group 3) and the Nissan Cube (Group 4). Does anyone know of any other low insurance 7 seaters? Thank you! :)

Can anyone recommend any car insurance companies to me that are pretty cheap?

Just bought a new car yesterday and need to get it insured before i go pick it up. I'm a 19 year old female and passed my test on august 27th last year so havent even been driving a year yet...dunno if that helps at all lol the cheapest quote i got so far is 920 annual...does anyone think this is the cheapest i'll get.

What is the average insurance price on a Mercedes Benz CLS class?

I am 16 and I want to know if the car is expensive for insurance. I'm a guy too. And I don't need the I shouldn't have that car crap. I just want answers please I don't need your opinions I can afford the car.

Do you pay a lot of money for car insurance where you live?

Wher so you live an dhow much does it cost. I live in NY it the sh*t is HIGH.

Does being a cyclist affect health insurance rates? How so?

A cyclist might be more at risk to injury in accidents because they're on a bicycle instead of inside a car, but cyclists are probably generally healthier.""

Is there any car insurance companies that offer cheaper than average for young drivers?

I've been looking around at quotes for ages now but can't seem to find any cheap insurance companies that give cheap insurance to young drivers and it's pi**ing me off because i'm not the type of young driver to get excited and show off and then cause a crash. I passed my test a few weeks ago and i'm 18, 19 in december. I heard about those trackers my cousins got one but he isn't allowed to drive past 11 o clock or else his premium will increase and i'll sometimes need to drive past that time.""

Lakeland Florida Cheap car insurance quotes zip 33811

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